the secret life of a blogger

I've been blogging for about a year and a half now. I realize that that's not a very long time compared to some people.

A year and a half ago, I went to NYSW with my family. I'd been reading blogs then for over a year and was kinda keeping an eye out for people I might recognize. I hope that by now Cari has forgiven me for not saying hello. Walking around with my mom on the second day of the festival, I ran into Stephanie and Norma. We talked for a few and afterwards I had to explain to my mom what a blog was. Her memorable response (it might help if you knew her and could imagine her voice) was "But what do they get out of it?"

Then about five days later, I started my own blog. I had envied all the groups of friends I saw hanging out at Rhinebeck, and didn't really know any local spinners or knitters other than the people at local shops. I've always liked to write, kept a diary when I was a kid for years. It seemed ..... well, like something to do. I can quit whenever I want to, right?

Many of my good friends now are other bloggers. People I talk to on the phone, take long trips to visit (not as much as I'd like but - sometimes), hang out and knit with, and sometimes receive packages from in the mail.

Yet my family (other than the two people I live with, and my sister) don't know about the blog. Those out of the loop include an aunt, two uncles, several second cousins, my mom and dad, and the entire extended family of in-laws in the midwest. I've often wondered, when I mention going somewhere or meeting with someone, where the hell they think these friends in Boston or Vermont or Canada have magically appeared from. But they don't ask and I haven't told. They're just "a friend from Ottawa who's in town" or whatever. I never say blog-friend or anything like that. Its not that I'm a recluse, but  the magical appearance of dozens of far flung friends in my life really ought to have raised a question or two.

Then there are the local shop owners. I've only mentioned the blog to one of them, whom I consider a friend. I suppose I could consider anyone who supplies me with wool as a friend, but its more of a dealer/junkie relationship, if you know what I mean. There's at least one other shop owner that I know knows about the blog, but I've certainly never mentioned it. Yet I come dragging "friends" from near and far into the shops for the first time on a regular basis.

I dread the idea of telling my family about the blog. Some of them aren't on the internet at all (my mom for example, doesn't even "do" email), some are. Yet I've been very careful all along not to say much about the family here, in case I do tell them someday; I won't ever need to expurgate the horrible things I've said if I know they might read the archives.

I know, I know, I'm rambling (I do it in person too, I assure you). I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I somehow consider the blog private. Where I get these ideas or how I delude myself that something on the internet is private even puzzles me sometimes. I realize that just being a blogger who gets a bunch of comments doesn't make me famous (or notorious, for that matter). The knitblog world is relatively small, in the scheme of things. But when it becomes a big part of your life sometimes its hard to remember that.

Sometimes I'd like to tell my parents. It would explain my burning desire for a laptop, the reason I spend time on the computer when we're up in the country together, where all of the international friends have appeared from, as well as what I do with my free time besides knitting. And then I think that I'd wind up censuring myself if they might read it. Not mention things like, you know, all the yarn. I've told a few of my old friends (not their age, how long they've been in my life) about the blog. About half of them read it, the other half that I've told don't.

I went to sleep last night thinking that maybe I'd take a day off from the blog today - although we all know how often that happens, it did occur to me. Then I woke up, starting thinking about this, and sat down to write. And now, having written it, I'm thinking that maybe my life and perspective is a little warped. Maybe the blog is too much a part of my life, that I worry or care this much about these trivial things.

My blog is a way for me to have a private and yet very public (that's the real issue here) place to muse. Sometimes I think that its my own little thing, but I always keep an awareness in the back of my mind about the public nature of it, and that puts a lid on how much personal information I share.

The point of all of this? Sometimes I feel guilty that I've purposefully not told my family about it. And I guess that's what I've been thinking about. Because this does feel like my own private little space most of the time ..... until people start commenting and then I realize that there really are people listening. Yet it feels more like a parlor full of friends that I hang out and knit with than a public forum.

In case you're wondering, this really isn't the ramblings of coffee overload early in the morning. (Half decaf, I swear.) However, I might be willing to place the blame squarely on the shoulders of mindless stockinette and self-striping yarns giving me way too little to engage my brain.

Might be time for some lace knitting, eh?

Comments

[Johanna]

Actually, I'm kind of surprised that so many bloggers feel "icky" about certain people reading their "private" blogs. By definition, & in reality, a blog is out there for everyone & anyone to read, although I know you can limit access to a select few if you wish by having password access only & so forth. It just seems funny to me that people would write all this stuff & put it on a blog if they didn't feel perfectly comfortable knowing that it could be perused by ANYONE. Why do it if you're not willing to face that possibility?

[Janine]

It's funny, but I feel kind of put out that my knitting sister gets around to reading my blog only every other week or so! I realized that I have come to equate reading my blog with being interested in my life. Sad, really.

[Judy]

My parents are both gone, although my dad would have loved the blogging scene -- he was a classic "early adopter" (we had one of the first microwaves in town, way back when). And while I've told other people in my real life, I don't think anyone except my best friend and my kids actually read it regularly. My daughter reads it to see if I've mentioned her, the little egomaniac, and my son has actually given the URL to some of his friends so they can see what I post with him in it.

I haven't made a secret of my blogging, but when Wendy mentioned her ex-husband, that did kind of give me the creeps. My ex doesn't know about it, and doesn't have internet access anyway right now, so it isn't a problem, but I'd have issues with him reading it. Of course, after 4 weeks of reading about knitting, he'd probably get bored and go away.

Good topic!

[Laura]

OMG such long long comments I had to quit reading them all. I often regret that my mother knows about my blog - but since it's virtually my only social outlet other than eating at my in-laws for dinner once a week, there's no way I could keep it a secret. What surprises me now is that I keep secrets from my blog readers - so that my family doesn't read about it. The only time I can gripe about my mom is when I comment on other people's blogs and that kinda bugs me. I don't even swear on my own blog because my parents and grandmother read it. So yeah.... keep it hush from your fam so you can keep being yourself. That's an awful truth but it's just life.

[Jeanne]

Great post - really made me think. I just started my blog last month as a way to journal my progress in knitting, but also to get involved in the online knitting community. My husband and kids know about the blog, but don't visit it. I find that I'm slightly annoyed about that (shouldn't they be slightyly interested?) - but at the same time, its ok. I sent my mother the URL because she is so excited that I'm knitting, but haven't shared it with any of my siblings. I think my blog is a way for me to talk about knitting (and yarn, spinning, etc) - I can't talk about it much to family because they glaze over (or as my sister says "you are just really weird"). I would be ok with family reading it, but not co-workers. I don't really invite co-workers into my personal life so this is just an extension of that.

[Snow]

I have to blog anonymously lest I get crap from my ex-husband like Wendy mentioned, but my sister (who also blogs but doesn't knit) knows all about me and reads me, even commenting from time to time. Other immediate family members know all about it, but don't really care much or read.

I get completely flustered when blog-reading strangers offer me too much advice about my life. I'm just writing into a void and everyone else is an imaginary person. Until they come spend the weekend and attend SnB with you, and then they're slightly less imaginary, but still surreal.

[ann]

a wonderful post Cassie - very thought provoking and of course reveals the paradox of public/private. Like most everyone else, I am only moderately pleased with my solution, which was to tell everyone ..... I now envy bloggers who blog anonymously, yet reading the comments, see that that approach has its own sets of dilemas.

[Laura J]

I tell everyone. Many people (I don't know if it's do with being up here in NH or not) can't get the idea of having online communities and think 'those are not '"real" friends.' In many ways, it's easier to be 'real friends'with the blogging because we can keep in touch with one another's lives without having to remember to call in the right time zone. And I am not all that fond of the phone anyway; reading or writing a blog you do when you want to, and no one is tearing you away from your dinner.

So I met guy at an SCA event who kept telling me how much we had in common and how neat it was to have met me. I gave him my blog address, because I am pretty much who I say I am, and I pretty much say who I am, and he just disappeared leaving a line of red shift behind him. I suspect he realized I will be 50 this year and being a shallow idiot decided not to bother (I do have younger friends I might have introduced him to...) Or he may have felt overwhelmed because I have a vocabulary of over 500 words. I am disappointed, but on the other hand, if he is a weenie I might as well know right away.

And I have a LiveJournal account for ranting which is much more anonymous.

[Nanimal]

It's funny, but the blog is a way for most of my friends that are far flung to keep tabs on me and keep them closer somehow. So the blog is actually keeping me closer with my non-fiber friends that are far away...

[Grace]

It's odd. My sister and I read each others' blogs but instinctively know not to mention them to our parents. When I fell ill, I told a few of my friends in meatspace about my blog. I told them that, if I don't post at least weekly, call my husband for news.