the secret life of a blogger

I've been blogging for about a year and a half now. I realize that that's not a very long time compared to some people.

A year and a half ago, I went to NYSW with my family. I'd been reading blogs then for over a year and was kinda keeping an eye out for people I might recognize. I hope that by now Cari has forgiven me for not saying hello. Walking around with my mom on the second day of the festival, I ran into Stephanie and Norma. We talked for a few and afterwards I had to explain to my mom what a blog was. Her memorable response (it might help if you knew her and could imagine her voice) was "But what do they get out of it?"

Then about five days later, I started my own blog. I had envied all the groups of friends I saw hanging out at Rhinebeck, and didn't really know any local spinners or knitters other than the people at local shops. I've always liked to write, kept a diary when I was a kid for years. It seemed ..... well, like something to do. I can quit whenever I want to, right?

Many of my good friends now are other bloggers. People I talk to on the phone, take long trips to visit (not as much as I'd like but - sometimes), hang out and knit with, and sometimes receive packages from in the mail.

Yet my family (other than the two people I live with, and my sister) don't know about the blog. Those out of the loop include an aunt, two uncles, several second cousins, my mom and dad, and the entire extended family of in-laws in the midwest. I've often wondered, when I mention going somewhere or meeting with someone, where the hell they think these friends in Boston or Vermont or Canada have magically appeared from. But they don't ask and I haven't told. They're just "a friend from Ottawa who's in town" or whatever. I never say blog-friend or anything like that. Its not that I'm a recluse, but  the magical appearance of dozens of far flung friends in my life really ought to have raised a question or two.

Then there are the local shop owners. I've only mentioned the blog to one of them, whom I consider a friend. I suppose I could consider anyone who supplies me with wool as a friend, but its more of a dealer/junkie relationship, if you know what I mean. There's at least one other shop owner that I know knows about the blog, but I've certainly never mentioned it. Yet I come dragging "friends" from near and far into the shops for the first time on a regular basis.

I dread the idea of telling my family about the blog. Some of them aren't on the internet at all (my mom for example, doesn't even "do" email), some are. Yet I've been very careful all along not to say much about the family here, in case I do tell them someday; I won't ever need to expurgate the horrible things I've said if I know they might read the archives.

I know, I know, I'm rambling (I do it in person too, I assure you). I guess what I'm trying to get at is that I somehow consider the blog private. Where I get these ideas or how I delude myself that something on the internet is private even puzzles me sometimes. I realize that just being a blogger who gets a bunch of comments doesn't make me famous (or notorious, for that matter). The knitblog world is relatively small, in the scheme of things. But when it becomes a big part of your life sometimes its hard to remember that.

Sometimes I'd like to tell my parents. It would explain my burning desire for a laptop, the reason I spend time on the computer when we're up in the country together, where all of the international friends have appeared from, as well as what I do with my free time besides knitting. And then I think that I'd wind up censuring myself if they might read it. Not mention things like, you know, all the yarn. I've told a few of my old friends (not their age, how long they've been in my life) about the blog. About half of them read it, the other half that I've told don't.

I went to sleep last night thinking that maybe I'd take a day off from the blog today - although we all know how often that happens, it did occur to me. Then I woke up, starting thinking about this, and sat down to write. And now, having written it, I'm thinking that maybe my life and perspective is a little warped. Maybe the blog is too much a part of my life, that I worry or care this much about these trivial things.

My blog is a way for me to have a private and yet very public (that's the real issue here) place to muse. Sometimes I think that its my own little thing, but I always keep an awareness in the back of my mind about the public nature of it, and that puts a lid on how much personal information I share.

The point of all of this? Sometimes I feel guilty that I've purposefully not told my family about it. And I guess that's what I've been thinking about. Because this does feel like my own private little space most of the time ..... until people start commenting and then I realize that there really are people listening. Yet it feels more like a parlor full of friends that I hang out and knit with than a public forum.

In case you're wondering, this really isn't the ramblings of coffee overload early in the morning. (Half decaf, I swear.) However, I might be willing to place the blame squarely on the shoulders of mindless stockinette and self-striping yarns giving me way too little to engage my brain.

Might be time for some lace knitting, eh?

Comments

[Wendy]

I really regret ever telling my parents that I have a blog. Now my mom phones me to ask questions and comment about stuff I've posted, which for some reason really bothers me. I also find that I censor myself, knowing that they are reading.

Unfortunately, my ex-husband found my blog as well -- but after a friend of his told him that his ex-wife was "famous." I consistently block and delete his comments, but it creeps me out that he reads it as well.

So. I think it's a GOOD thing if people IRL don't know about your blog!

[margene]

My family doesn't know and only a few 'real' friends do. Even friends I have told don't really care and don't read. I like the privacy...such that it is. The problem I find is that my virtual friends are often more 'real', more present than the friends I can see face to face. I've actually lost touch with a couple since I started to blog. It's a dilemma.

[Kim]

I HATE that my MIL reads my blog (DH told her about it).....so I completely understand.

I like that......a parlor full of friends ;-)

[rams]

Question is, are you afraid that they would read it or that they wouldn't?

[vanessa]

oh, i totally agree with you on the public/private thing. and also with margene. i find myself getting closer to my online friends (many whom i've met in person), and less ans less in common with my friends who live close (except one).
btw, my kids and dh know about the blog, but i don't think they ever read it ;-)

[Janet]

I agree with Wendy. I have a few knitting friends who know about and sometimes read my blog but even my immediate family (kids and husband) who know, don't read or even care much. I casually mentioned that I started a blog to my brother, who lives in Asia, and he said "I always wondered who wrote those things" and then didn't even ask me the name, so I know he isn't reading. I guess that's a good thing anyway, since I really don't want to have to explain myself to family. I figure it's a way to express myself and connect a little with like-minded people (I don't have too many people in my life who knit, or appreciate knitting and fiber pursuits).

[That Laurie]

You have really put your finger on why I resist starting a blog. The attraction of the "parlor full of knitting/spinning friends" is very strong, but lots of family might clue in. And I can just imagine what my colleagues at work or my students would think to find a blog full of fiberarts. Maybe we need subscriber blogs.

On the other hand, writing every day or every other day is a great idea. Of course, I can do THAT by visiting other people's virtual parlors!

[cari]

I forgave you long ago, my dear.

[Judy]

Several days ago, C asked for the url to my blog while at a clients. I know he'd never read it before and I did not want him sharing it with people I do business with. Funny thing, that. The client insisted. I gave it to her, and C came home thinking he should share it with everyone. Next day he wante it again to give to his ex wife's friends. This time I did not share. I know that my sister, Dad and niece read my blog. Most friends, other than fiber, don't know about it. I've never understood my feelings about this. I was going to write a post about it today, then read yours and you say it all so well.

[Jody]

Definitely seems like it's time to break into the Heirloom Knitting goodness to me.

[susoolu]

A 'parlour' is a good way of putting it - or a 'salon', with all of the ebb and flow of thought and talk. I know I self-censor, because I'm still working the thing out (and my life is so dull, do people really need to know that I dreamt about doing the hoovering), haven't told my family, and very few 'real-life' friends know the url. But I started because I wanted to see what would happen, how connections could be made, without all those other social markers getting in the way. And I do love how pictures build in the mind from everyone's words.

But what about that rabbit-hole?

[Adele]

I very much enjoy reading your blog each morning with my first cuppa, although I don't have a blog and probably won't. Your reasoning today intrigued me, as I understood very well what you meant. I think that the blogs and comments make up a very nice on-line support group for an activity that we all enjoy very much, and when we sometimes have problems, we can talk about them, ask for help, suggestions, etc. It it made up of people who face the same situations, struggling with our yarn purchasing addiction ;-), frustrations with projects not going well or lack of progress therein. The feedback that is given is usually positive, sometimes humorous, and mostly helpful.
Someone wrote that friends are the family you give yourself. I think it fits.

Not telling family is probably a good thing. No critical feedback, no 'why do you need other friends, you have us'. I sometimes feel that our families are hardest on us, though I'm sure they don't mean to be. They seem to feel that we need their help to be the best person we can be and they WANT to help us get there! We know they love us, but.....

I belonged to a caregivers support group for about 3 years, the once a month meeting were a very important survival tool for me. Daily on-line support would have been even better.

[Norma]

I have an aunt who is nothing but a busy-body, and ever since that trip you and Stephanie made here and the resulting article in the paper, little did I know, but she has been reading. How did I learn this? Because during the very busy time right after my sister's hospitalization, I did not see my family for a few weeks. I finally called to check in with my sister and during that phone call she said, "I heard you got a new car!" She was happy for me and opined that it was TIME. I said, "How did you know I got a new car?" "Mom told me." "How did Mom know?" "Lorna told her." "HOW THE HELL DID LORNA know?" "She read it in your website." The whole thing felt really icky. Why? I ask myself, when I am so very open in the blog. But nonetheless: icky.

The odd thing is, anyone I've told who I would LIKE to read the blog has expressed the same reaction as your mom -- "what do you get out of it?" and cannot relate to the idea in the slightest degree and has absolutely no interest in checking it out -- or it they DO check it out, they don't come back. (at least not that I know)

But anyway, all this is to say, keep listening to your gut.

[Cathy]

In my previous life I did a lot of horse things. I own a couple horse lists and I have a lot of friends I have met over the net - and I competed with my horses all over the US so the events were sometimes scheduled to coincide with meeting some of my virtual friends. My "birth" family could never figure out how I knew all these people and why I chose to move to NO CO instead of SO CO in 99. I moved up here coz I had friends I met on line, then in person and liked a great deal. So it's not just knitblogging. And other than Margene, Snow, Kristi and Anne from EPWM last year I haven't met any other fiberbloggers. I live a very quiet life so blogging has been amusing for me. I would never pass it on to my family tho M reads it occasionally. Just yesterday he said he wanted to clean up some of the photos in my albums. That would be fine.

[Pea]

I've been having this same dilemma recently. My grandmother wants the blog address to share with EVERYONE on her side of the family. These are people who, for the most part, I am not close to and disagree with on issues that are very fundamental to my philosophy of life and to theirs. I don't want to write knowing that they are, or might be, reading. On the other hand, the internet is a public forum, no matter how parlor-like it may feel. Who knows who is reading. This private-but-public aspect of blogging is difficult to know how to manage.

[Lucette]

I have often wondered if you get a lot of spam and unwelcome comments/people responding to the blog. How do you deal with the negative and nosy people stepping into your parlour.

I do not have a blog as yet, mainly due to spam concerns.

Otherwise, it looking like a lot of fun, and I alway look forward to following your fibre adventures.

[Rachel H]

Interesting thoughts. Not being a blogger, I'd never considered this aspect of it. I do talk a lot with my Dad and a couple of close friends about the wonderful things finding the knitblogging community has done for me, and I know a couple of them visited Harlot's site around the time of the Knitting Olympics to see what I was rambling about, but I wonder how different it would be if I were actually doing the writing instead of just leaving the odd comment.

Yes. Please go start something lacey and difficult so you don't make my brain work too hard before my 2nd cup of coffee.

[Jackie]

I've thought about this a lot too, because when I first started my blog, I thought it was a small fun private thing on the side - I had just started knitting and I had no idea the friendships I would build over the past year and a half.

As my blogging grew to be more and more important in my life, and my knit/blogging friendships (like Margene said) started becoming becoming more prominent in my daily life than my "real life" friendships, I found it hard to juggle. Eventually I told my parents all about it, and my father reads it daily. My mother doesn't. My brothers do, my fiance doesn't. My future MIL and SIL do. One of my real life friends do. But my two best friends and maids of honor don't. It's a weird mix.

I worry all the time about where the line is. I don't want my friends/family to be afraid of me taking pictures because it might end up on the blog. When my father and future MIL started reading I started to get worried about content (although I had set the rule from the beginning that I would post nothing that I wouldn't want my grandmother, a future employer or a priest to read) and then (keeping the Rule in mind) I realized that I need to post honestly, for myself, and if I'm worried about what the people in my life think, then maybe my relationship with them isn't as honest as I thought. And I don't want to be maintaining relationships that aren't based on who I truly am.

Just my thoughts. Your post hit home. :)

[Martha]

Very few non-knitting people in my life know I have a blog (only two that I can think of), and no one knows the url. And that's the way I like it. As you mentioned, a blog is not far removed from a journal. While ours tend to be focussed on knitting, I'd like to reserve the right to vent my frustrations to my knitting buddies, and sometimes those frustrations will involve family/friends. So I'd rather they weren't reading.

[Jinxsa]

Ive drawn the limits on my own blog, my boss knows and that's kinda uncool at times but my parents can't find it (I even linked the url for them) so I am lulling myself into a false sense of security. My main concern is everyone from r/l reading it will accuse me of stealing thier "lines".

[Beth S.]

My husband knows about the blog, but can't be bothered to read it! ;-) No one else has a clue, I think. And I'm fine with that.

I used to have a link to the blog from my work site, but a creepy ex-boyfriend followed it and started leaving me comments. I really hate the thought that he might still be reading it, but at the very least, it validates my decision to stick to writing about knitting and spinning, and leave the more personal stuff out of it.

[Nancy]

Many of the people in my family and at work know that I have a "web page" about my knitting but it seems so odd to them that they never even think about visiting it. I definitely feel it's my private space and all the other knitters who comment are my "special" friends. They can be far more objective than most others in my life and can be supportive in ways people closer to me cannot.

It's an odd concept. You can feel alone in a room full of people who know you and you can feel like you are in good company when in a room alone writing on a page in the virtual conversations we bloggers take part in.

[Marcia]

Very interesting topic! I have one cousin who reads mine, but that keeps the constant and annoying IM's to a minimum so no complaints. Several family members are aware of my blog, but rarely read it. I was pleasantly surprised to learn recently that one son does, and gets a kick out of it, but I admit I have been kind of shy when it comes to sharing with family.

[Anne]

My Mom asked me, "Honey, do I need to worry about you meeting up with people you met on the internet?" Because when you hear "knitblogger," you automatically think of strange stalker men abducting girls from the park?

I know just what you mean about the blog/life divide, except there's the added dimension of work for me. Lots of people I work with read knitting blogs, but I try not to tell them that I have one, let alonewhere it is. But my first name is identified with it, and if you knew me, you'd know it was mine... and at times I feel myself pushing the envelope a little bit, alluding to work on the blog or the blog at work. There's only a small handful of people who were IRL friends first who know about my blog. (It helps that I don't have a very popular blog, a fact that I'm fine with!)

[erin]

I feel weird about telling people about it.
I left a link in the guestbook of my BIL's site, and that's how my in laws found out. My MIL's reaction was "why would anyone do that?" but I've noticed she visits the site at least once a week.

My family is vauguely aware of it, but do not read it, and other than a few friends, I haven't told anyone about it.