and the blog suffers

Did you ever have one of those months where you run around, do five hundred things a day, talk with dozens of people deeply and meaningfully, and get caught up on so many things and people that you feel like your life just turned into someone else's? And then you find out that only five days have passed by.

Its been like that.

I've sometimes wished that my blog were more like Juno's and that I could spill my soul out here, but I just can't. I'm not like that. But I figured, after missing blogging this morning (both in the sense that I didn't blog and that I wished I had) that I'd give it a try.

I'm sure that people who pay attention to these things have noticed that my clockwork-like posting has gone down the tubes. I'm adjusting to that, mentally, and thankfully everyone who reads the blog seems to have too. Its going to be that way for now.

Anyone who knows me in person knows that I'm a small person. Short, petite, whatever. I've recently lost 17 pounds. How recently? I have no idea, I've never actually owned a scale in my life. But weighing myself at dr's offices and friends' houses has confirmed what my wardrobe has told me over the last few months. I lost a lot of weight. The upside is, I look freaking fantastic in jeans again. I've been asked by friends if I've been starving myself, but I haven't. It just happened. Some of this is likely spring, and increased activity and walking like I used to. Who knows what the rest of it is. But I have been eating. Why am I telling the world this? Because its been on my mind.

I've felt mentally and emotionally vacant for a long while. This doesn't really show up on the blog because I talk about wool, and knitting. And the wool and the knitting are what keep me sane, so I retain some semblance of normalcy when I talk along those lines.

I had a conversation the other day with someone who I could consider my best friend. When they said that they weren't sure if we were friends anymore or what had happened, because I'd been so distant (and then I realized that it'd been 5 months since we'd talked) I did a bit of a double-take.

Its been like that too.

This isn't really leading anywhere, by the way.

So today I went through my closet, and am getting rid of things that look awful on me or reflect a time in my life when I had a screwed up mentality about clothes and my body. I literally bagged up half of what I own. I was pleased to find out that my favorite 50's sundress with the bright red roosters on it fits me again. [I bought it in 1986, no joke.] And that I now have a ton of room to breathe. I need breathing room right now, some physical space to stretch my wings a little.

At any rate, galloping segues aside, there's a lot going on right now. I'm proud (being the sort who occasionally goes in for self-flagellation) that the linen handtowel is almost done, as well a bit embarassed that that's what I've got to show for my time lately. I'm mentally adjusting to a much needed change of pace on the blog for the forseeable future, and am content that I could easily lose a lot of people if I'm not whacking out laceweight shawls in doubletime, as I've occasionally been known to do.

So be it.

Comments

[Pumpkinmama]

So be it indeed. You know what is important, and the bulk of us do too, I would guess. I wanna see a picture of the rooster dress - sounds cool.

[naomi]

I second Pumpkinmama--the dress sounds like it's worth a picture.

And, yes, I've had "months" like that. But, hey, your new blogging scheudle means that I have something new and exciting to read while I'm waiting for cells to grow, at work at quarter to nine.

[Beth]

Aw hell, I've been reading your blog since the very beginning. You think a little erratic posting is going to run me off??? Oh please. You'll have to try harder than that. :)

I believe I'd also like to see the roosters. If only to giggle and point. In a good-natured way, of course.

[DebbieB]

Cassie, honey - take care of yourself. If you don't, no one will. Stress can be deadly. Feel good about yourself. Life is short. Do what you enjoy, and enjoy what you do.

Enough platitudes??? But I mean every word. And you won't run ME off if you don't zip through your laceweight. I come here for the interesting insight - not just the pretty pictures.

[Cara]

Not quite sure where 17 lbs would come off of you...but I'm glad you're feeling like you have room to breathe. It's nice to purge sometimes and in my mind blogs are an outlet. Sometimes you need a different outlet. Doesn't mean anything in terms of the blog - you come back to it when you feel it.

[Faith]

I know how you feel on a variety of levels. Take care of yourself in whatever way is necessary

[JoVE]

Better to lose a few blog readers and a few best friends. Glad to hear you are working through some things, though. And that you are happy with your weight loss.

BTW, I was in Staples the other day and there is NO graph index cards. I looked. I think they sound fabulous. Maybe only in America...

[Beth S.]

Have you had a chat with Sandy lately? I think it might be illuminating for both of you. Daughters going off to college, and all that... you know?

And are you doing enough spinning? ;-)

[Kathy]

All of this makes a lot of sense to me. Be well :-) (And I'm glad that your jeans are looking awesome!)

[Catherine Harrison]

It makes some sense to me. I find myself losing time constantly. Where does it all go?

How is the knitting with the linen. I was so almost tempted to get some linen and try it because I really need some indestructible hand towels. I chickened out when I felt the twine, I mean yarn. I can't stand the thought of knitting with it even if it will soften up after it's knit. What about washing the yarn first a few dozen times? Would that help do you think?

[Cordelia]

I want to see the rooster dress too.
And congratulations (yes?) on losing the weight. Just so long as you aren't sick.

[Chris]

The best weight losses are the ones that sneak up on us. Congrats! And y'know - due to the miracle of bloglines, we're here whenever you are. :) I, personally, am looking forward to seeing your handtowel. Because I find myself contemplating a knitted linen robe...

[regina]

I'm so glad that you're doing taking time to look after yourself and reconnect with people in your life. I think it's great that you're knitting for yourself, at your own pace, and working on a project like a handtowel. I don't read your blog to watch you crank out lace shawls in hyperspeed mode. I read your blog because I find it funny and thought-provoking and inspiring and entertaining. I learn a lot from you, but mostly I read it because I like you and I like your writing. And for all of those reasons, I'm going to keep on reading. And BTW, you do look fantastic.

[Jean S]

Oh my. This need to take a deep breath, to have the space, to clear the decks ... I could go on and on, but let's just say that it's very important. Take the time now as you need to, or it will all rise up and bite you in the butt later on!

[Sylvia]

Blogging is NOT compulsory; it's a gift from you to your readers, and best when it's a gift freely given. When life is hitting hard for me, as it is currently, I aim for one knitting post per week. I could never sustain your daily posting, not for lack of content but the lack of time to sit and process photos and words. If you prefer a set schedule, why not try a few permutations and see how they feel? MWF or just Wednesdays or ? You won't lose me as a reader!

[Norma]

Darn. No more Amish dresses and checkered aprons? Crap.

[Heather]

Not to sound like a worry wart, but I wanted to add - if you're not feeling yourself and you're losing weight, you might to have your thyroid checked. Losing weight is great, but if you can't account for it, it might be worth looking into.

[regina]

I'm so glad that you're doing taking time to look after yourself and reconnect with people in your life. I think it's great that you're knitting for yourself, at your own pace, and working on a project like a handtowel. I don't read your blog to watch you crank out lace shawls in hyperspeed mode. I read your blog because I find it funny and thought-provoking and inspiring and entertaining. I learn a lot from you, but mostly I read it because I like you and I like your writing. And for all of those reasons, I'm going to keep on reading. And BTW, you do look fantastic.

[Marcia]

Frankly, all that lace shawl cranking outedness was getting on my nerves.....I don't need that pressure! (Teasing, of course, Cassie!) Tell me more about the towel, though...I've started the damn thing three times and can't get gauge. I ALWAYS get gauge! I did a wicked market bag in the heavier linen, though, that's quite wonderful.

[Anne]

Cassie, whatever's going on, please take care of yourself...

[Judy G.]

You must look out for number one-you- and I will continue to check your blog regularly. If the posts are less frequent, they will be more special.

On the clothing issue, about every two or three years I seem to change sizes (up or down). I cull everything except the sweaters; it must be the emotional attachment. My husband can't toss books, I can't toss sweaters (except summer tanks that are too short/tight/ghastly colours). Enjoy the space!

[Laura]

Seeing how I don't know you, this is probably going to sound stupid - I'm terribly sorry in advance. So anyway, it seems like you have a very rigid and driven personality - constantly feeling like you need to be productive and functioning. I'm sure it's not abnormal to finally have some kind of ebb and flow to that. How is it your fault that there has been no communication with your friend for five months? Did she contact you over and over with no reply? Obviously, like you said, you're not in the habit of baring your soul on the blog. But who will you lose? Who? Not Stephanie or Juno. Not Norma or Cara or Margene. You will stay in contact with the people that you like, and you'll stay on the bloglines of everyone else who will catch up on what you're doing when you feel like telling them. And if you're not posting or keeping in touch with someone who cares a lot about you, they'll email and say "hey, is everything okay with you?" Most important, take good care of yourself. Don't worry about who might not read your blog if you're not posting something new and exciting every day. (((Hugs)))

[Christine]

Relax Cassie, we all understand! Sometimes we just need to take that break, whether it be mentally, physically or emotionally. Do what you need to do, take care of yourself first. If you don't, you'll grow to resent things that you normally enjoy doing. And Cassie, make sure there isn't an underlying reason to the weight loss. Lossing a few pounds is great, but unexplained weight loss might signal something else is going on. Please take the best care of yourself that you can, we all adore you!

[Sophie]

I want to double voice Heather here. A lot of us would welcome a sudden weight loss, but if you don't know how it happened, please go and check for any possible health issue. Take good care and don't worry too much. And congrats for the spring decluttering! Well done!

[Annie]

In reading through the comments, I can see you've been given alot of good advice, and your readers certainly understand if you need to break from blogging for awhile. We all understand, and most of us have been there ourselves in one way or another. I don't have anything profound to add, especially without sounding redundant, but I've been reading your blog for a long time, and I just wanted to add my concern and support to the rest, and tell you that while I'll miss your frequent posting, I'll be here when you do post, and I hope you keep us updated and let us know when you're feeling better. Soon, hopefully! (Plus I'm still hoping for the pattern for those socks!) Best of luck with everything, and thanks for all the time and inspiration you have given us.